Bellafied
O how my life has changed since my beautiful baby Annabella has arrived. She has flipped my world upside down. She’s shown me how amazing true love is. It’s in the look she gives me when she stares at me and smiles, she has to say (or babble) absolutely nothing and I just know.
It’s been a whirlwind of emotions these past few months. although if given the opportunity to do this last year over again and not have Bells I would never take it. I can’t imagine my life without her although it’s left me hating me. I hate what I see every single day in the mirror and what I see when I catch a glimpse of my reflection as I’m out and about. I’m reminded of the disgusting truth.
This obsession with weight strted when I was about 8 years old and I was a pudgy kid, by the age of ten I was a fat kid and as if getting teased and bullied at school wasn’t enough my mother would make comments here and there about my largeness or the largeness of my portions. It’s been an endless battle with trying to get thin and stay thin. When i finally reached this point bam what happens? I finally get a chance to date this man whore character that I’ve been o so obsessed with the last 4 years and then the story takes a twist, I get pregnant.
I watched my body grow and expand day by day wincing and dreading the damage control to come. I wish I could say that I felt differently about my pregnancy, that I was excited to see my belly grow and nurture the baby that my HUSBAND and I had waited and tried for. Sadly that wasn’t the case.
So now here I am 4 and a half months postpartum absolutely hating me and fearing that inevitable glimpse at my reflection. Yes every single day I’ve woken up I’ve dreaded the moment that I have to put my non stretchy clothes on. The moment for the muffin top to come out and the uncomfortable jeans to be pried on. All in all I’ve gained 4 pant sizes and a disgusting amount of weight. The worst part of it all is that I feel as though I have no time to get back into my gym routine. My days consist of working while being a mom and being a mom while being a maid. So if at the end of my 4 am to 8 pm mommy multi-tasking shift I have barely enough energy to walk myself to the shower and then curl up in bed just to get up and do it over again.
I’m not complaining about being a mom I absolutely love it watching her grow and learn on a daily basis is he most amazing experience of my life but sometimes I can’t help but think if it all that comes at the expense of giving up on myself……..
